I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
