"it" just moved
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
