Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
