Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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