Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
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We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
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So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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