So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
