the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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