chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
