Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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