Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
