I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
