You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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