My sheets look like a crime scene.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
