Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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