he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
