Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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