So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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