I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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