I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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