The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
