just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
