the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
