dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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