i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
