so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
