I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
