my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
