No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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