you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
You took a bar mat shot.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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