I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
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things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
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After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
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