So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
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He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
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I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil