I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
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ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
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She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!