Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
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You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
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If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.