my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more