just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i just sent this text using only my big toe
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra