where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
