you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
