Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
