I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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