The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
