i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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