Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
