i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
