I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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