Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
