Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
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