It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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