I need to stop coming to work sober
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
