how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
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