Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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