i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
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