You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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