Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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