the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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