I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
