a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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