imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Randomize
