Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
