How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
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So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
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I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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