His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
