you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
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