New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
