He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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